Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there
Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
You Might Also Like
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.
Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.