me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
S/o to @funTweeters .
With this onion ring, I thee fed