Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.