Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.


My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!


Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.


Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.


me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now


I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.


This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.


[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]



I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.