PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don’t do that guys, don’t do that.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.
“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”