Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
You Might Also Like
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?