[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When life gives you melons,
wear a low cut top.
Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news