@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

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@Brampersandon_

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@rohoxbaby

Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”

@Wakenbake77

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news