ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Baller is short for ballerina
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.