@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

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@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@Jaywoo74

Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone
Me: MINE

@AnOrangeSNES

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*

@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@sexncake

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

@ch000ch

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

@RapeyRaperton

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.