ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: