me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”