@ermahgarton

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

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@this503girl

Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.

@Marlebean

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

@iinkedZombie

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.