me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?


1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.


Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.


9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI


[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom


The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.


I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.


If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.


If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.