me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

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Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.


I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.


5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son


My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”


To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.


The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.


I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.


My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.