ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.


?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.


Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”


I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.


How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows


People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole


Losing weight should be like losing your virginity

Once you lose it you can never get it back


[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks