@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

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@davetureq

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

@RappaRick

?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@shariv67

Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”

@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

@envydatropic

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

@PaulSchissler

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

@myboots111

Losing weight should be like losing your virginity

Once you lose it you can never get it back

@advicefromphil

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks