ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster