@AtticusFinch79

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

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@jonnysun

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

@amishschool

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.

@Tmoney68

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

@BYGH

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.