ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything