“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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i hav cat-like reflexes
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My inexpensive home security system…
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[lou bega voice] this is playstation number five