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@humanaaron: me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
@Home_Halfway: WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
@Mom_Overboard: Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
@SamGrittner: "I like your tree's earring."
"That's a tire swing."
@tastefactory: When I was going into surgery my dad said "Good luck w/ your surgery" and I said "you too" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed
@TheMichaelRock: Me: You can just keep that pen.
Me: Yeah. I noticed you don't wash your hands in the restroom.
Me: I told everyone.