me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
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lumberjacks will cut a birch
Smooooooth
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
“i miss shittin on people”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …