@humanaaron

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

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@Sean_Burgundy_

When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot

@lisaxy424

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

@LurkAtHomeMom

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@Snarfernini

Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I’m gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355

Bring ice cream too

@shkeeber

I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.

@AlisonAgosti

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down