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@humanaaron: me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
@david8hughes: [throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
@neiltyson: Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
@Tuna_Lover: I'm not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
@ryanaboyd: Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive