Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”