Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

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The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.


casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no


Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail


3 things that makes me stress:

• hot days
• annoying people
• stand close to annoying people in hot days


Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.


I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.


Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”


I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.