Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me: