As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Netflix: We have Less
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.