Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life