@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife

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@simoncholland

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

@ThoughtOtter

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

@nyquills

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@inmyimage007

5 just asked me for a Magic 8 Ball and you know I’m going to get it for her; so she can finally ask all her questions to something that isn’t me

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

@allyneedy

A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath

@AngelaEhh

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.