My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control
“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*
DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
5 just asked me for a Magic 8 Ball and you know I’m going to get it for her; so she can finally ask all her questions to something that isn’t me
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.