@simoncholland
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
@ArfMeasures
ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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@simoncholland
@COMETHRUGIRL
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
@SamGrittner
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
@ThoughtOtter
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
@nyquills
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
@inmyimage007
5 just asked me for a Magic 8 Ball and you know I’m going to get it for her; so she can finally ask all her questions to something that isn’t me
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
@allyneedy
A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath
@AngelaEhh
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
@IamEveryDayPpl
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.