Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
my one true gender
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board