”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Well, that should do it
multitasking lunch
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
why would tinder want me to say this
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I have never related to a cat more
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
There’s no “us” in nachos.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.