Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ACED my prostate exam!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Coffee is ready.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
the greatest twitter interaction
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”