me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Do not levitate over flowers
ouch
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy