Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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Used tampons should be hung outside for the mosquito
*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
person: I like your name
me: thanks, I got it for my birthday
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.