@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

@Fickle_Filly

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

@DilemmaEmmaEmma

Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.

@VisionBored1

The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter

@Mr_Kapowski

If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@RainbowJohnJ

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*