Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
You Might Also Like
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
called in thicc to work this morning
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
#titanic