Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
You Might Also Like
It’s an epidemic…
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes