Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
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I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*