Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?