Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If I ignore life will it go away?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I’m awake but I object,
I feel it
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.