@truegritrumble

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

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@Feisty___One

I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@celestinelea90

Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene

@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

@amazymay72x

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.

Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

@inikoblue

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

@MNateShyamalan

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.