ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…