I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene
“Apologize or die”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
What would u do if u won the lotto?
10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.
Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run
Me on LinkedIn:
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.