ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana