“Your finest Scotch, please.”
“Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
me: when can i get on the barbell
gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait
me: i know what it is
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[pulls meatloaf out of oven]
he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever