Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.
me: when can i get on the barbell
gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait
me: i know what it is
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You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap