@tweetsbyrocket

me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is

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@dave_cactus

“Your finest Scotch, please.”

“Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

@tiemoose

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

@MrsGoose69

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

@JohnHilsen

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

@CantEven101

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@andyerikson

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@G_Faylor

[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever