@tweetsbyrocket

me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is

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@ShanaRose21

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

@leakypod

ron weasley: i have to use old books

harry potter: wow

ron: and torn up shitty clothes

harry: yuck lol

ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little

harry: ya lmao that would be crazy

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

@dulcetry

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

@Gre_Gone

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

@1evilidiot

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.