My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Very good! 👍😂
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.