Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.