Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Strangers have the best candy.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that