Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Guilty! 🤪
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad