Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time