Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
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I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”