ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.