Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

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Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.


Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.


*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes


I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.


If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people


There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.


My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.


“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.


I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”