Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Wise advice
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.