me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
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Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.