Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
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In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Good morning, Twitter x
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower