Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
tourist season
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I cannot call her anything else now
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.