To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The options really are this bad
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
There is wisdom there.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.