me when i see my girls butt
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.