ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital

GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died

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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.


[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”


Sting : 🎶 Don’t stand so close to me🎶

CDC: He gets it


New trend:


It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.


Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.


The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me


Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.


Clark Kent: Only kryptonite can kill me.
Perry: What do you mean? Can’t regular things kill you?
Clark: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?


what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?