ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital
GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died
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I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often.
She then took him for car rides twice a day.
I worry those genes are in me somewhere.
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch: