If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.