Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
This chloroform smells expensiv…
#winning
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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