Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
couldn’t resist
nice challenge
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?