@Divergentmama

Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

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@SirEviscerate

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

@Sarcasticsapien

I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@954LeenO

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

@JukeJointJesse

Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

@MaryJustice86

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

@CulturedRuffian

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.