Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.