me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit

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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much


According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??


I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.


I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.


Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.


hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby


Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.