me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Introverted vegans go meetless
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
What an awful time to have common sense.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot