If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
how to have an accident 101
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Covid like
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
B