Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn鈥檛 keep their room clean.
6: 馃槼
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It鈥檚 better than the truth!
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scientist: don鈥檛 touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you鈥檙e changing colors just tell me what you touched and i鈥檒l save you
me: [about to die] i didn鈥檛 touch anything i swear to god
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I鈥檒l call you later, relax.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn鈥檛 stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we鈥檇 all be a lot skinnier.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I鈥檇 be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
A chip tracker but it鈥檚 just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I鈥檇 love some help
4: you鈥檝e got this, Mama
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who鈥檚 there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn鈥檛 latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
i don鈥檛 miss calls i stare at them
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley鈥檚 spine like a glowstick
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.