@Spaced_Cowboy00

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

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@SortaBad

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

@hythemafia

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

@merrittk

i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one that’s about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man

@funderlaw

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples

@bourgeoisalien

stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?

me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@Talkbackatme

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.